true blue friend

it says everyone has a soul mate. Usually our spouse.

Friend?

As i age, i still have plenty friends, but with wisdom gaining and reality hitting hard. I may have good friends, close friends, best friends but friend as a soul mate?

i always question myself, if i have problem which needed an opinion, who'll be there to toast me with opinion? Good friends will give you good advice, those good for hearing. But are those truly from their heart/ mind? Best friends, will provide you best opinion in my way which will not harm my feelings. But are those opinion truly what they thinks or only a shelf to covering me from getting the real pain? Close friends, they will give you what they think you can handle.

what am i yapping ?

Have you got a friend, who'll stand firm on her thought and point out you're wrong when they knows or they just prefer to remain silence cuz they know you will jump up once they start giving opinion and will hurt your feeling, start a debate and friendship may turn sour.

i believe friendship are similar to relationship. Needs lots ta wave to sail a further journey. What's the point of longed friendship but there's only respecting given but nothing else. They will not be sad/upset/heartache with any decision i make? are those friend or foe or simply just friend.

i know many friend for more than 10years but when i question myself, DO I REALLY KNOW THEM? beside their birthday, favourite brand, colour, likes and dislike. Do i know them as their inner mind/ being.

I DUNNO.

life use to be simple keep a friend when she means no harm.

i gone thru stage of selecting friends. Is nurturing them. But how to turn a good friend / close friend to best friend?

Rouxi said good friends may not know you entirely, they are just mutual friends, Hi-Bye, Kiss n Tell. Close friends, can be those where i hang around the block but doesn't know me much, they are with me as just I'm with them to kill time. Best friends means simple they are best in both way and share intimate secret.

i share intimate secret with any tom dick and harry, as i treat them all best. In Real, do they?

some point of my life, i try to ignore whether less they treats me as best friend, but somehow i cant control my insecure feelings prompting with ANSWER : NO, THEY DON'T

How i know?
Anything happened, I'm last to know. Normally if i get to know when secret no longer a secret.
No 2 way communication. I'll initiative update them and be happy if they do the same or least show some interest in me (my life)

conclusion I'm a bad friend. i talk and talks about myself. i show no interest in other people business/ life, I'm not extrovert to ask how are they doing afraid they'll just briefly reply Fine. OK.

maybe i shall change my focus of grooming tulips rather than hoping one fine day rose will shred their torn, anyway i been standing in rose garden since 16 hoping rose will abadon their torn for me but after 12 years ...i know nothing about rose behavior, thinking pattern.

Is time to give up standing next to grave and start admiring grasses beside the grave.

Life be dreadful asking for a true blue friend.